Jokes

1)
Harry can't figure out what to get his girlfriend for her birthday. "Oh," she says, "just take me someplace expensive." So he drops her off at the petrol station.

2)
A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighbourhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don't you just take it to the zoo?"
The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street, with the sheep.
"I thought I told you to take the sheep to the zoo?" the sergeant asks.
"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I'm taking him to the movies."

3)
Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat near to the front. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.
"No," the man replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I've gone alone."
"Why don't you invite a friend?"
"I can't. They are all at the funeral."

4)
On a tour of an old European castle, a young American visitor becomes very nervous. Finally the elderly guide, noticing how jumpy she is, tried to reassure her.
"Don't worry," he tells her, "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been working here."
"And how long is that?" asks the tourist.
"About 500 years."

5)
Megan refuses to get out of bed. "I can't go to the school," she wails. "The kids make fun of me, the teachers hate me, and I have wat too much work!"
"Megan, you have to go to school," her mother says. "You are the principal!"

6)
While speeding down a winding mountain road, a man has to swerve to avoid a woman who comes flying around the corner.
As she passes him, she leans out of the window and screams, "PIG!"
Astonished, the man turns back at her and shouts, "Idiot!"
Just as he finished, he rounds the bend and crashes into a pig.